So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
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