Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
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