We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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