So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
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