All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
