Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Is it because I queefed?
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
