he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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