just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
