At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
