# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
