I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
