My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
