Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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