phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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