Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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