last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
