I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
