College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
