the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
