I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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