Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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