May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
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