I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
