He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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