New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
