Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
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