..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
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