Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
