dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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