walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
How external is "for external use only"?
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
