if you like me you must not know who I am
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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