Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
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