omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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