I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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