I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
