I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
