I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
