he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
