I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
