So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
