Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
