i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
