I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
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