you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
