in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
