I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
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