Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
