I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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