life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
