dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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