a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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