Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
