Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
splinters make it hard to masturbate
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
