Where are you?
In a non slutty way
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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