I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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