i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
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