just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Randomize
