don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
