Beer Popsicles are better in theory
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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