I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I'm too high and old for this...
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
