i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
