Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.