Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating