just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
19 Cringe-worthy Bachelorette Party Texts
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
The 23 Worst Things That Have Happened After a One Night Stand
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.